I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
