so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dignity is for republicans.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
