i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
