Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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