Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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