sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
