It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
