Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize