I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
