They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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