Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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