barbara walters just said penis...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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