Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
