dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My bed smells like the plague
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
