then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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