Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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