I faked an abortion last night.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize