Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
