I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
