dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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