There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
