Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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