I'm lost and stupid without you.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
