i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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