he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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