last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
