he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
