I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
