apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
