u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
