I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's just like the Real World with babies
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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