he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
