The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
