youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
