Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
