i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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