he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
