Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
