i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
