you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
