i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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