something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
