I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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