i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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