The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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