My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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