I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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