i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
we should paint friendship bongs
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