everyone is single if you try hard enough
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
