Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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