Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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