So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
