Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
