Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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