the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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