I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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