he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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