I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
