i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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