I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
