My underwear smells like fireworks.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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