im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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